Category Archives: liars

Here we go yet again

Posted in ?, abyss, adopted, adoption, ahh, always here, always hope, am i mental, Anna, anorexia, axious, battles, Bio parents, blackness, borederline personality disorder, bpd, brain dead, breathe, bulimia, challenges, claw, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, crying, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, death, death failure, deep scars, demented, Detachment, Diagnosis, different, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, emotionless, Emotions, Emtions, Evil, exhaustion, failre, Feeling lost, feelings, fighting, Hate myself, hating, hell, help me, hide away, honesty, hurting, insanity, inside of me, internal fight, let down, liar, liars, lieing, mental health, mental scars, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, punishment, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, shameful, stress, stressful day, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, talk to, tired, to be contd., Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness, voices, void, why by

Here’s to another day of staring out the window and trying to will the windows of this physc unit to disappear so I can leap out and escape from here, But its not actually from here I want to escape its from my head and from thee voices and the darkness that is succumbing me. It is a toxic mix of voices and my own thoughts.

I was given some news last night that I thought would be the start of the end for this darkness, and this morning it has all been retracted and I’m back to where I was yesterday.

(quick update)

August 2017 I tried to commit suicide by inhalation from car fumes. rigged the whole thing (car) up and somehow survived. Since that day I have been in the local physc ward which is only a 20/25 minute drive from where I actually live. Thus meaning easy(ish) access for family to visit.

Basically the plan is for me to go to a residential unit for 18 months to do an intensive DBT therapy course. basically I will do two cycles of the whole course and then gradually released back into the community. The thing is that I want to go to a specific unit which has agreed to work with my BPD and my Anorexia and weight loss issues. This unit I want to go to is a 10 bed female unit and is specifically for BPD patients.  Where as this other unit the commissioning board want to send me to will only work with the BPD side but is a 26 bed physc ward and not specifically to cater for BPD. The Unit the commissioning board prefer is a bigger version of this general physc ward that I am on now and I no for a fact I will not get better there and that it is 100% NOT the right fit and unit for me.

Back to the present…

When you apply to residential units you have to be assessed by each unit and when you send it all through to the commissioning board to choose you have to have a minimum of 2 units. They met two weeks ago tomorrow and have agreed the funding but not the unit.

The thing is in the last 6/7 months of being here on this unit, they haven’t done any kind of therapy or work with me because we were hoping this whole process wouldn’t take this long to happen.

I’m so determined to do this but I’m loosing the will to keep fighting all of this and yet there are so so many what if’s???