Category Archives: failre

Here we go yet again

Posted in ?, abyss, adopted, adoption, ahh, always here, always hope, am i mental, Anna, anorexia, axious, battles, Bio parents, blackness, borederline personality disorder, bpd, brain dead, breathe, bulimia, challenges, claw, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, crying, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, death, death failure, deep scars, demented, Detachment, Diagnosis, different, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, emotionless, Emotions, Emtions, Evil, exhaustion, failre, Feeling lost, feelings, fighting, Hate myself, hating, hell, help me, hide away, honesty, hurting, insanity, inside of me, internal fight, let down, liar, liars, lieing, mental health, mental scars, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, punishment, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, shameful, stress, stressful day, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, talk to, tired, to be contd., Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness, voices, void, why by

Here’s to another day of staring out the window and trying to will the windows of this physc unit to disappear so I can leap out and escape from here, But its not actually from here I want to escape its from my head and from thee voices and the darkness that is succumbing me. It is a toxic mix of voices and my own thoughts.

I was given some news last night that I thought would be the start of the end for this darkness, and this morning it has all been retracted and I’m back to where I was yesterday.

(quick update)

August 2017 I tried to commit suicide by inhalation from car fumes. rigged the whole thing (car) up and somehow survived. Since that day I have been in the local physc ward which is only a 20/25 minute drive from where I actually live. Thus meaning easy(ish) access for family to visit.

Basically the plan is for me to go to a residential unit for 18 months to do an intensive DBT therapy course. basically I will do two cycles of the whole course and then gradually released back into the community. The thing is that I want to go to a specific unit which has agreed to work with my BPD and my Anorexia and weight loss issues. This unit I want to go to is a 10 bed female unit and is specifically for BPD patients.  Where as this other unit the commissioning board want to send me to will only work with the BPD side but is a 26 bed physc ward and not specifically to cater for BPD. The Unit the commissioning board prefer is a bigger version of this general physc ward that I am on now and I no for a fact I will not get better there and that it is 100% NOT the right fit and unit for me.

Back to the present…

When you apply to residential units you have to be assessed by each unit and when you send it all through to the commissioning board to choose you have to have a minimum of 2 units. They met two weeks ago tomorrow and have agreed the funding but not the unit.

The thing is in the last 6/7 months of being here on this unit, they haven’t done any kind of therapy or work with me because we were hoping this whole process wouldn’t take this long to happen.

I’m so determined to do this but I’m loosing the will to keep fighting all of this and yet there are so so many what if’s???

 

day 4….

Posted in abyss, always here, am i mental, anorexia, bipolar, confusion, crying, dark abyss, darkness, death, death failure, eating disorder, eating disorders, failre, help me, let down, mental health, ocd kicked in, physc unit., physciatric unit, physcological mayhem, punishment, room, stress, stressful day, suicidal, suicide by

Can’t write much as battery is gonna die. But fourth day in and still not eaten. In five days. Finally it feels like someone understands me. At long last they can see how I really am. Had ecg today to check up on heart thing they found. Said all’s clear.

Getting bloods taken tomorrow.

Been put on an extra two meds as well.

Lamotrigine, quetiapine and mirtazapine. All taste rather disgusting but what’s gotta be taken has to be taken I guess. One has to be taken three times a day other two twtwice a day.

I’m still in very much so suicidal way. But writing in my journaI constantly is making my mind wander away from suicidal thoughts. Even though i end up writing out my suicidal thoughts and they stay in my head. At least if I cant tell someone then I can get them to read it.

Better go but hope your all well and thanks for taking time to keep this babbling of mine.

Lisa

third day in here…

Posted in abyss, always here, am i mental, anorexia, bipolar, bulimia, confusion, crying, dark abyss, darkness, death, death failure, eating disorder, eating disorders, failre, let down, mental health, ocd kicked in, physc unit., physciatric unit, physcological mayhem, punishment, stress, stressful day, suicidal, suicide, swimming, writing by

Nothing has changed I still no that if I left I’d make sure I left this world. Can’t bring myself to speak to one of nurses. Anyway the lady I promised that I would talk isn’t I. Today. Whether she is on tonight I don’t know.

My journal is beingused loads. I’m kinda alternating between using kindle and phone and writing with having to hand my charger in. Got my 2nd phone on charge atm.

I think that they are keeping tabs on my eating or should say non existent eating. I haven’t eaten in four days. Just can’t face sitting In a room full of other people who will see what I don’t eat. Will see me eating.

Anna made me trash all the food I did bring. Literally trash. Open all the food into a bag and had to stamp on it 10 times.10 time only.

Even now I’ve got the pangs and rumbling that my stomach needs food but after spending so long being able to ignore them I can do that all over again.

I’m trying to talk to people but am too shy.

Lisa

a few days…

Posted in abyss, always here, am i mental, bipolar, confusion, crying, dark abyss, darkness, death, death failure, failre, help me, inspiration, let down, mental health, punishing yourself, punishment, stress, stressful day, suicide, talk to, writing by

Well it’s been a few days since I last posted on here.

If I’m truly honest I would say that I’m not doing well not well at all really. My head is a mess and so am I. But I am doing my best to keep my outwardly smile on but it’s getting so hard.

I’m actually feeling like I’m not wanted around on this earth anymore. I don’t no what has triggered this off but it’s a sense I’m getting all the time and its getting stronger all the time. I don’t no it will just be me and my utterly stupid brain.

But I do seriously feel like I’m beginning to loose it all again. Focusing on keep my mask on is helping keep me clinging onto this cliff face.

This cliff face is so so high….