Category Archives: let down

End of another day…

Posted in abyss, ahh, alone, always here, always hope, always light, Anna, anorexia, battles, be proud, Bio parents, blackness, borederline personality disorder, bpd, bulimia, challenges, child, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, daughter, daughters, death, death failure, deep scars, Detachment, Diagnosis, dont have to be skinny to be anorexia, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, Emotions, exhaustion, feelings, fighting, focus on yourself, for you, fortijuice, fortisips, Hate myself, hating, hell, help, help is there, help me, honesty, ideas, insanity, inside of me, inspiration, internal fight, let down, light at end of tunnel, loved ones, making time, mental health, mental scars, mind f****d, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, not alone, operations, opinion, people, physc unit., physciatric unit, physcological mayhem, Physically tired, pondering, protein drinks, punishing yourself, punishment, rise above, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, shameful, stigma, story, stress, stressful day, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, take me, talk to, tired, to be contd., Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness, voices, why, wonder by

As the end of another days draws to an end I’m here again sat pondering and wondering what lies ahead for me. my future might be uncertain right now but I still have the inklings of hope that I can get better. NO not can get better BUT will get better…

I no for a fact that the roads ahead are lined with pits and dips but also are filled with happiness and hope and light. This path that I am starting on soon (I hope anyways) is going to be tough and lots of hard work but I cannot stay in this vicious continuous cycle or treadmill of being ok and then trying to commit suicide. It is not fair to only myself but to my family and friends and this last attempt has given me the kick up the arse to actually do something about it. To do something to break the cycle of break downs.

The amount of damage I have done internally to my body (mainly my oesophagus) is terrible. I have the scars on hips and wrists and stomach, I have had to go for monthly oesophagus dilation operations to stretch my throat so I can actually maybe one day eat solid food. Since April 10th 2017 I haven’t been able to eat a single solid piece of food due to yet another attempt at taking my life. and since then I have survived on fortisips (protein drinks) to give me all my calories and keep me going. luckily now I can actually swallow smooth soup and custard, I can’t swallow anything with bits in it or eat biscuits. But maybe one day I hopefully will be able to dunk that ginger biscuit in a cup of coffee.

Here’s to wondering and pondering the next and very near (hopefully) future…

To be cont.d…

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Here we go yet again

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Here’s to another day of staring out the window and trying to will the windows of this physc unit to disappear so I can leap out and escape from here, But its not actually from here I want to escape its from my head and from thee voices and the darkness that is succumbing me. It is a toxic mix of voices and my own thoughts.

I was given some news last night that I thought would be the start of the end for this darkness, and this morning it has all been retracted and I’m back to where I was yesterday.

(quick update)

August 2017 I tried to commit suicide by inhalation from car fumes. rigged the whole thing (car) up and somehow survived. Since that day I have been in the local physc ward which is only a 20/25 minute drive from where I actually live. Thus meaning easy(ish) access for family to visit.

Basically the plan is for me to go to a residential unit for 18 months to do an intensive DBT therapy course. basically I will do two cycles of the whole course and then gradually released back into the community. The thing is that I want to go to a specific unit which has agreed to work with my BPD and my Anorexia and weight loss issues. This unit I want to go to is a 10 bed female unit and is specifically for BPD patients.  Where as this other unit the commissioning board want to send me to will only work with the BPD side but is a 26 bed physc ward and not specifically to cater for BPD. The Unit the commissioning board prefer is a bigger version of this general physc ward that I am on now and I no for a fact I will not get better there and that it is 100% NOT the right fit and unit for me.

Back to the present…

When you apply to residential units you have to be assessed by each unit and when you send it all through to the commissioning board to choose you have to have a minimum of 2 units. They met two weeks ago tomorrow and have agreed the funding but not the unit.

The thing is in the last 6/7 months of being here on this unit, they haven’t done any kind of therapy or work with me because we were hoping this whole process wouldn’t take this long to happen.

I’m so determined to do this but I’m loosing the will to keep fighting all of this and yet there are so so many what if’s???

 

How can I stand here..

Posted in abyss, adopted, adoption, ahh, alone, always here, Anna, anorexia, battles, Bio parents, blackness, breathe, bulimia, challenges, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, death failure, deep scars, dont have to be skinny to be anorexia, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, emotionless, Emotions, exhaustion, Feeling lost, feelings, fighting, hide away, honesty, hurting, ideas, Innocent child, insanity, inside of me, internal fight, let down, mental health, mental scars, night, nightmares, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness by

How have I just been able to stand in front of the physciatric window wanting to drink a massive loads of anti-freeze… like literally how? Ive gone from being “fine” (from what the staff can see) from being able to hold a conversation with everyone and anyone to isolating myself to my “room” and struggling to hold everything together.

I even imagined that when I had a shower the other day the water was actually my blood pouring from my veins through to the shower and back over me.

Also battling my eating disorders everyday and the fact that I’m petrified of anything that I put into my body food wise.

The voices in my head are destroying me and driving me insane… and trying to fight voices 24 hours a day and 7 days a week 365 days a year. fighting them even when I’m asleep… I’m physically and mentally exhausted.

One voice is my biological mothers who just abuses me verbally with all the insults under the sun and tells me how weak and pathetic I am and that I should go and harm myself and rid the world of me.

The other main voice is that of “Anna” shortened from Anorexia and she tells me what not to eat and that I’m fat and that anything I do actually put into my body is all poison and that I’m actually killing myself in what I eat.

BUT even with all this going on I am more determined then ever to fight this battle

day 4….

Posted in abyss, always here, am i mental, anorexia, bipolar, confusion, crying, dark abyss, darkness, death, death failure, eating disorder, eating disorders, failre, help me, let down, mental health, ocd kicked in, physc unit., physciatric unit, physcological mayhem, punishment, room, stress, stressful day, suicidal, suicide by

Can’t write much as battery is gonna die. But fourth day in and still not eaten. In five days. Finally it feels like someone understands me. At long last they can see how I really am. Had ecg today to check up on heart thing they found. Said all’s clear.

Getting bloods taken tomorrow.

Been put on an extra two meds as well.

Lamotrigine, quetiapine and mirtazapine. All taste rather disgusting but what’s gotta be taken has to be taken I guess. One has to be taken three times a day other two twtwice a day.

I’m still in very much so suicidal way. But writing in my journaI constantly is making my mind wander away from suicidal thoughts. Even though i end up writing out my suicidal thoughts and they stay in my head. At least if I cant tell someone then I can get them to read it.

Better go but hope your all well and thanks for taking time to keep this babbling of mine.

Lisa