Here we go yet again

Here’s to another day of staring out the window and trying to will the windows of this physc unit to disappear so I can leap out and escape from here, But its not actually from here I want to escape its from my head and from thee voices and the darkness that is succumbing me. It is a toxic mix of voices and my own thoughts.

I was given some news last night that I thought would be the start of the end for this darkness, and this morning it has all been retracted and I’m back to where I was yesterday.

(quick update)

August 2017 I tried to commit suicide by inhalation from car fumes. rigged the whole thing (car) up and somehow survived. Since that day I have been in the local physc ward which is only a 20/25 minute drive from where I actually live. Thus meaning easy(ish) access for family to visit.

Basically the plan is for me to go to a residential unit for 18 months to do an intensive DBT therapy course. basically I will do two cycles of the whole course and then gradually released back into the community. The thing is that I want to go to a specific unit which has agreed to work with my BPD and my Anorexia and weight loss issues. This unit I want to go to is a 10 bed female unit and is specifically for BPD patients.  Where as this other unit the commissioning board want to send me to will only work with the BPD side but is a 26 bed physc ward and not specifically to cater for BPD. The Unit the commissioning board prefer is a bigger version of this general physc ward that I am on now and I no for a fact I will not get better there and that it is 100% NOT the right fit and unit for me.

Back to the present…

When you apply to residential units you have to be assessed by each unit and when you send it all through to the commissioning board to choose you have to have a minimum of 2 units. They met two weeks ago tomorrow and have agreed the funding but not the unit.

The thing is in the last 6/7 months of being here on this unit, they haven’t done any kind of therapy or work with me because we were hoping this whole process wouldn’t take this long to happen.

I’m so determined to do this but I’m loosing the will to keep fighting all of this and yet there are so so many what if’s???

 

How can I stand here..

How have I just been able to stand in front of the physciatric window wanting to drink a massive loads of anti-freeze… like literally how? Ive gone from being “fine” (from what the staff can see) from being able to hold a conversation with everyone and anyone to isolating myself to my “room” and struggling to hold everything together.

I even imagined that when I had a shower the other day the water was actually my blood pouring from my veins through to the shower and back over me.

Also battling my eating disorders everyday and the fact that I’m petrified of anything that I put into my body food wise.

The voices in my head are destroying me and driving me insane… and trying to fight voices 24 hours a day and 7 days a week 365 days a year. fighting them even when I’m asleep… I’m physically and mentally exhausted.

One voice is my biological mothers who just abuses me verbally with all the insults under the sun and tells me how weak and pathetic I am and that I should go and harm myself and rid the world of me.

The other main voice is that of “Anna” shortened from Anorexia and she tells me what not to eat and that I’m fat and that anything I do actually put into my body is all poison and that I’m actually killing myself in what I eat.

BUT even with all this going on I am more determined then ever to fight this battle

Sometimes i feel…

When someone in your life passes away it is devastating and you sometimes do not know how you will cope without them. People say that with time the pain gets easier to deal with. For me when I lost my grandparents I don’t think I ever grieved, Mainly because I have children and I felt like I had to put on a “strong persona” and maybe I haven’t ever taken this off. I think that as soon as I had my eldest daughter I suddenly felt that I would always have to the seen as the strong mother and not to show any pain that I might be going through. But that actually has been a thing that I have always done throughout my childhood. I have never been able to talk about feelings and have always kept everything to myself which I know I have spoken about many times. Doing this is partly a reason why I ended up in the Physc unit back in June 2015. I have tried to talk about how I am doing but I either cant get there words out or I’m too scared as I think that they will want to chuck me back into the Physc unit.

If I opened my head up all you would see is everything that I have ever kept to myself needing to spill out but I am managing to push it all down to make more space for anything else that needs to be kept up there and brought out into the light and have people knowing how wacky I am. People often say that I need to let feelings out and I always sit there and listen and answer “yes I no and I will talk to you if I need to”. Its just automatic instinct to answer like that. I have seemly perfected the whole “Hey!! how are you? Me… I’m great thank you!!” Its so easy that it just rolls off my tongue. Its scary actually scary at how easy it is, and people can keep saying “all you need to do it change” or “you’ve just got to stop doing it”. I’m sorry but if I wish I could do it that quickly and switch from keeping everything to myself to being able to talk about everything don’t you think I would of done it in a heartbeat. Its the same with me having Bipolar 2, if I could stop having it I would again and come off all medication and try and be as normal as people wanted me to be. But life isn’t that easy, if there was the perfect way to:

* Stop the voices in my head

*Stop me seeing her

*Stop the pain in my head

*Stop me not being able to release the feelings and pain

*Stop me having really bad days

*Stop comparing me to everyone else

*Help me be able to release feelings and actually get them out of my head when I write them down in my journal or on here.

*Etc.

Therefore you cannot make me normal, you cant compare me having many many many down days to someone having an “off” day. Or turn to me and say “oh I’m so bipolar today” or “I’m feeling bipolar today” or “I think I’m bipolar because my mood today has changed a few times”.

Having this mental health illnesses is not fun. Taking three lots off medication twice a day is not fun. Living with the fear that tomorrow you will go manic or hit rock bottom. Or with me watching my daughters with eagle eyes trying to work out if they are turning out like me or are just acting their age.

Most days I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything, but luckily for me I HAVE to as I have a family and a job where I’m needed and have to get up and have given myself the ultimatum to make myself get up.

I and we all just have to remember that no matter how hard a time we are going through we will get there…

The all consuming darkness around me….

The all-consuming darkness of mental health illnesses.

* The moments when you are looking around for something or someone but nothingness is there instead.

* You feel twisted inside, compare it to the twists and knots in the trees, none of their branches are straight. That is what it is like for the path to recovery for many people that have mental illness the path will never be straight up.

* To have moments when you see no light in this world and then you realise that you have hit rock bottom and that there is nothing else that you can do to help yourself.

* You try your damn hardest to get words out to get help but no words come out. Your screaming inside your head for help getting louder and louder and the words won’t come out. You can’t see any other way to try and tell anyone and you have never felt so alone.

* Your two worlds come colliding together and smash you into deep darkness and there no light anywhere you search.

* When you feel that you are floating beside your human self and feel like a ghost but watching yourself. You do things without a second thought and end up doing something that could potentially be damaging.

* The fact that you are trying to understand what is happening to you and you really can’t figure out what is happening but have no real way to find out.

* To have a diagnosis but to have people using the label as if you are it and not the person you were before they knew you had mental health. It throws you into more pits of despair and you cannot fathom another day with these people.

* The fact that people use you as an excuse and your disorder as a reason not go out or do things. Using you when they want something or using it as a weapon against you or others.

* When others decide that because you have this mental health illness that you are suddenly like the scum of the earth. That is when you reach rock bottom and have no interest in coming back to the surface to try and be able to breathe.

* When you can sit there and watch tv or listen to music and your mind is so blank and yet your consumed by this darkness.

* You try your damn best to get out of the darkness and try and find the light. You want help, and you do everything in your power to try and get the attention of medical peoples help.

* To sit with you cpn or in a group with others and they ask how you are. You know you need to tell them how much you are struggling but you just say that your fine.

* You know that there is help out there somewhere but you don’t know where to turn anymore. You feel like you have tried every avenue you can possibly go.