End of another day…

Posted in abyss, ahh, alone, always here, always hope, always light, Anna, anorexia, battles, be proud, Bio parents, blackness, borederline personality disorder, bpd, bulimia, challenges, child, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, daughter, daughters, death, death failure, deep scars, Detachment, Diagnosis, dont have to be skinny to be anorexia, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, Emotions, exhaustion, feelings, fighting, focus on yourself, for you, fortijuice, fortisips, Hate myself, hating, hell, help, help is there, help me, honesty, ideas, insanity, inside of me, inspiration, internal fight, let down, light at end of tunnel, loved ones, making time, mental health, mental scars, mind f****d, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, not alone, operations, opinion, people, physc unit., physciatric unit, physcological mayhem, Physically tired, pondering, protein drinks, punishing yourself, punishment, rise above, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, shameful, stigma, story, stress, stressful day, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, take me, talk to, tired, to be contd., Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness, voices, why, wonder by Borderlinepersonalitylady

As the end of another days draws to an end I’m here again sat pondering and wondering what lies ahead for me. my future might be uncertain right now but I still have the inklings of hope that I can get better. NO not can get better BUT will get better…

I no for a fact that the roads ahead are lined with pits and dips but also are filled with happiness and hope and light. This path that I am starting on soon (I hope anyways) is going to be tough and lots of hard work but I cannot stay in this vicious continuous cycle or treadmill of being ok and then trying to commit suicide. It is not fair to only myself but to my family and friends and this last attempt has given me the kick up the arse to actually do something about it. To do something to break the cycle of break downs.

The amount of damage I have done internally to my body (mainly my oesophagus) is terrible. I have the scars on hips and wrists and stomach, I have had to go for monthly oesophagus dilation operations to stretch my throat so I can actually maybe one day eat solid food. Since April 10th 2017 I haven’t been able to eat a single solid piece of food due to yet another attempt at taking my life. and since then I have survived on fortisips (protein drinks) to give me all my calories and keep me going. luckily now I can actually swallow smooth soup and custard, I can’t swallow anything with bits in it or eat biscuits. But maybe one day I hopefully will be able to dunk that ginger biscuit in a cup of coffee.

Here’s to wondering and pondering the next and very near (hopefully) future…

To be cont.d…

7Mar2018

Here we go yet again

Posted in ?, abyss, adopted, adoption, ahh, always here, always hope, am i mental, Anna, anorexia, axious, battles, Bio parents, blackness, borederline personality disorder, bpd, brain dead, breathe, bulimia, challenges, claw, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, crying, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, death, death failure, deep scars, demented, Detachment, Diagnosis, different, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, emotionless, Emotions, Emtions, Evil, exhaustion, failre, Feeling lost, feelings, fighting, Hate myself, hating, hell, help me, hide away, honesty, hurting, insanity, inside of me, internal fight, let down, liar, liars, lieing, mental health, mental scars, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, punishment, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, shameful, stress, stressful day, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, talk to, tired, to be contd., Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness, voices, void, why by Borderlinepersonalitylady

Here’s to another day of staring out the window and trying to will the windows of this physc unit to disappear so I can leap out and escape from here, But its not actually from here I want to escape its from my head and from thee voices and the darkness that is succumbing me. It is a toxic mix of voices and my own thoughts.

I was given some news last night that I thought would be the start of the end for this darkness, and this morning it has all been retracted and I’m back to where I was yesterday.

(quick update)

August 2017 I tried to commit suicide by inhalation from car fumes. rigged the whole thing (car) up and somehow survived. Since that day I have been in the local physc ward which is only a 20/25 minute drive from where I actually live. Thus meaning easy(ish) access for family to visit.

Basically the plan is for me to go to a residential unit for 18 months to do an intensive DBT therapy course. basically I will do two cycles of the whole course and then gradually released back into the community. The thing is that I want to go to a specific unit which has agreed to work with my BPD and my Anorexia and weight loss issues. This unit I want to go to is a 10 bed female unit and is specifically for BPD patients. Where as this other unit the commissioning board want to send me to will only work with the BPD side but is a 26 bed physc ward and not specifically to cater for BPD. The Unit the commissioning board prefer is a bigger version of this general physc ward that I am on now and I no for a fact I will not get better there and that it is 100% NOT the right fit and unit for me.

Back to the present…

When you apply to residential units you have to be assessed by each unit and when you send it all through to the commissioning board to choose you have to have a minimum of 2 units. They met two weeks ago tomorrow and have agreed the funding but not the unit.

The thing is in the last 6/7 months of being here on this unit, they haven’t done any kind of therapy or work with me because we were hoping this whole process wouldn’t take this long to happen.

I’m so determined to do this but I’m loosing the will to keep fighting all of this and yet there are so so many what if’s???

14Sep2017

Suicide awareness month

Posted in always here, anorexia, battles, be proud, bipolar, bipolar 2, blog help, bulimia, death, death failure, Detachment, Diagnosis, different, dont have to be skinny to be anorexia, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, focus on yourself, help, help appreciated, help is there, Medicated, Medication, mental health, needing help, Question, stamp it out, stigma, story, strength, stress, suicidal, suicide, symptoms, taboo, talk to, tired, Uncategorized, why, you can do this by Borderlinepersonalitylady

As it’s suicide awareness month I’ve been looking into numbers to call etc from the U.K.

I found this:
Did you know that if you text 07725 909090 when you are feeling really depressed, a crisis counsellor will text with you? Many people don’t like talking on the phone and find it difficult to open up to friends and family. Some people would be more comfortable texting. It’s a service run by Samaritans.
Please copy, paste & pass on (rather than sharing). You never know who might be needing it. Thanks
Contact Us Now/Call Us 24/7/365 If Needs Be
116 123 (UK)
116 123 (ROI)
Whatever you’re going through, call us free any time, from any phone on 116 123…..We’re here round the clock, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. If you need a response immediately, it’s best to call us on the phone. This number is FREE to call. You don’t have to be suicidal to call us.
EMAIL US
jo@samaritans.org
VISIT US
Find your local Samaritans branch.
WRITE TO US
Freepost RSRB-KKBY-CYJK, PO Box 9090, STIRLING, FK8 2SA
#ItsOkNotToBeOk #mentalhealthawareness #1in4

Dont suffer in silence speak out.

30Nov2015

phsysciatrist today :-(

Posted in ?, alone, battles, bipolar, bipolar 2, blackness, confusion, crying, Diagnosis, different, emotionless, Emotions, Feeling lost, feelings, fighting, internal fight, Medicated, Medication, mental health, nightmares, no energy, oblivion, screaming by Borderlinepersonalitylady

meds

I am currently sat in my empty shop on a rolled up old carpet shaking with anxiety and fear. We’re having a complete shop refit and new carpet is getting laid today (we think!) hopefully haven’t got the wrong day.

The reason my anxiety has hit me today is that I am going to meet my new permanent physciatrist today… But I’m no good with new people and I no 100% that I am going to struggle to get out the right words to explain how bad I am doing. My CPN is going to be there so will hopefully be able to put across how bad I am doing. I need to see a phycologist asap but I’m on at least a two year waiting list and private ones are £45.00 an hour which there is no way I can afford that. So it looks like I am on a waiting game which I don’t know if I can do and wait for.

The shop isn’t what’s causing me stress its my head, she’s back the voices are so strong today. Plus when I was in the physc ward I collapsed and smashed my head off a concrete floor and ever since I suffer with seriously strong pains. like right now I’m in so much pain, am taking whatever pain killers there are over the counter. cannot take paracetamol as I’m totally immune to them as I’ve overdosed on them throughout my life so much. not that anyone actually knows that, I think its from the time that I took over two boxes worth.

But I’m so struggling today and I really need to get myself into gear. and crack on and keep my “happy face ” on… make everyone think that I am happy and Larry.

hope anyone that reads this has a peaceful and happy day…