End of another day…

Posted in abyss, ahh, alone, always here, always hope, always light, Anna, anorexia, battles, be proud, Bio parents, blackness, borederline personality disorder, bpd, bulimia, challenges, child, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, daughter, daughters, death, death failure, deep scars, Detachment, Diagnosis, dont have to be skinny to be anorexia, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, Emotions, exhaustion, feelings, fighting, focus on yourself, for you, fortijuice, fortisips, Hate myself, hating, hell, help, help is there, help me, honesty, ideas, insanity, inside of me, inspiration, internal fight, let down, light at end of tunnel, loved ones, making time, mental health, mental scars, mind f****d, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, not alone, operations, opinion, people, physc unit., physciatric unit, physcological mayhem, Physically tired, pondering, protein drinks, punishing yourself, punishment, rise above, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, shameful, stigma, story, stress, stressful day, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, take me, talk to, tired, to be contd., Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness, voices, why, wonder by Borderlinepersonalitylady

As the end of another days draws to an end I’m here again sat pondering and wondering what lies ahead for me. my future might be uncertain right now but I still have the inklings of hope that I can get better. NO not can get better BUT will get better…

I no for a fact that the roads ahead are lined with pits and dips but also are filled with happiness and hope and light. This path that I am starting on soon (I hope anyways) is going to be tough and lots of hard work but I cannot stay in this vicious continuous cycle or treadmill of being ok and then trying to commit suicide. It is not fair to only myself but to my family and friends and this last attempt has given me the kick up the arse to actually do something about it. To do something to break the cycle of break downs.

The amount of damage I have done internally to my body (mainly my oesophagus) is terrible. I have the scars on hips and wrists and stomach, I have had to go for monthly oesophagus dilation operations to stretch my throat so I can actually maybe one day eat solid food. Since April 10th 2017 I haven’t been able to eat a single solid piece of food due to yet another attempt at taking my life. and since then I have survived on fortisips (protein drinks) to give me all my calories and keep me going. luckily now I can actually swallow smooth soup and custard, I can’t swallow anything with bits in it or eat biscuits. But maybe one day I hopefully will be able to dunk that ginger biscuit in a cup of coffee.

Here’s to wondering and pondering the next and very near (hopefully) future…

To be cont.d…

7Mar2018

Here we go yet again

Posted in ?, abyss, adopted, adoption, ahh, always here, always hope, am i mental, Anna, anorexia, axious, battles, Bio parents, blackness, borederline personality disorder, bpd, brain dead, breathe, bulimia, challenges, claw, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, crying, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, death, death failure, deep scars, demented, Detachment, Diagnosis, different, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, emotionless, Emotions, Emtions, Evil, exhaustion, failre, Feeling lost, feelings, fighting, Hate myself, hating, hell, help me, hide away, honesty, hurting, insanity, inside of me, internal fight, let down, liar, liars, lieing, mental health, mental scars, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, punishment, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, shameful, stress, stressful day, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, talk to, tired, to be contd., Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness, voices, void, why by Borderlinepersonalitylady

Here’s to another day of staring out the window and trying to will the windows of this physc unit to disappear so I can leap out and escape from here, But its not actually from here I want to escape its from my head and from thee voices and the darkness that is succumbing me. It is a toxic mix of voices and my own thoughts.

I was given some news last night that I thought would be the start of the end for this darkness, and this morning it has all been retracted and I’m back to where I was yesterday.

(quick update)

August 2017 I tried to commit suicide by inhalation from car fumes. rigged the whole thing (car) up and somehow survived. Since that day I have been in the local physc ward which is only a 20/25 minute drive from where I actually live. Thus meaning easy(ish) access for family to visit.

Basically the plan is for me to go to a residential unit for 18 months to do an intensive DBT therapy course. basically I will do two cycles of the whole course and then gradually released back into the community. The thing is that I want to go to a specific unit which has agreed to work with my BPD and my Anorexia and weight loss issues. This unit I want to go to is a 10 bed female unit and is specifically for BPD patients. Where as this other unit the commissioning board want to send me to will only work with the BPD side but is a 26 bed physc ward and not specifically to cater for BPD. The Unit the commissioning board prefer is a bigger version of this general physc ward that I am on now and I no for a fact I will not get better there and that it is 100% NOT the right fit and unit for me.

Back to the present…

When you apply to residential units you have to be assessed by each unit and when you send it all through to the commissioning board to choose you have to have a minimum of 2 units. They met two weeks ago tomorrow and have agreed the funding but not the unit.

The thing is in the last 6/7 months of being here on this unit, they haven’t done any kind of therapy or work with me because we were hoping this whole process wouldn’t take this long to happen.

I’m so determined to do this but I’m loosing the will to keep fighting all of this and yet there are so so many what if’s???

2Jan2016

Sometimes i feel…

Posted in ?, abyss, ahh, alone, am i mental, Anna, battles, bipolar, bipolar 2, blackness, breathe, challenges, child, claw, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, crying, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, day begins, death, different, drained, emotionless, Emotions, Evil, Feeling lost, feelings, fighting, Hate myself, hating, hell, help, hide away, hurting, insanity, inside of me, internal fight, mental health, mental scars, Mood change, my life, my story, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, not alone, physc unit., punishment, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, strength, stress, stuck, stuck within me, voices, void by Borderlinepersonalitylady

When someone in your life passes away it is devastating and you sometimes do not know how you will cope without them. People say that with time the pain gets easier to deal with. For me when I lost my grandparents I don’t think I ever grieved, Mainly because I have children and I felt like I had to put on a “strong persona” and maybe I haven’t ever taken this off. I think that as soon as I had my eldest daughter I suddenly felt that I would always have to the seen as the strong mother and not to show any pain that I might be going through. But that actually has been a thing that I have always done throughout my childhood. I have never been able to talk about feelings and have always kept everything to myself which I know I have spoken about many times. Doing this is partly a reason why I ended up in the Physc unit back in June 2015. I have tried to talk about how I am doing but I either cant get there words out or I’m too scared as I think that they will want to chuck me back into the Physc unit.

If I opened my head up all you would see is everything that I have ever kept to myself needing to spill out but I am managing to push it all down to make more space for anything else that needs to be kept up there and brought out into the light and have people knowing how wacky I am. People often say that I need to let feelings out and I always sit there and listen and answer “yes I no and I will talk to you if I need to”. Its just automatic instinct to answer like that. I have seemly perfected the whole “Hey!! how are you? Me… I’m great thank you!!” Its so easy that it just rolls off my tongue. Its scary actually scary at how easy it is, and people can keep saying “all you need to do it change” or “you’ve just got to stop doing it”. I’m sorry but if I wish I could do it that quickly and switch from keeping everything to myself to being able to talk about everything don’t you think I would of done it in a heartbeat. Its the same with me having Bipolar 2, if I could stop having it I would again and come off all medication and try and be as normal as people wanted me to be. But life isn’t that easy, if there was the perfect way to:

* Stop the voices in my head

*Stop me seeing her

*Stop the pain in my head

*Stop me not being able to release the feelings and pain

*Stop me having really bad days

*Stop comparing me to everyone else

*Help me be able to release feelings and actually get them out of my head when I write them down in my journal or on here.

*Etc.

Therefore you cannot make me normal, you cant compare me having many many many down days to someone having an “off” day. Or turn to me and say “oh I’m so bipolar today” or “I’m feeling bipolar today” or “I think I’m bipolar because my mood today has changed a few times”.

Having this mental health illnesses is not fun. Taking three lots off medication twice a day is not fun. Living with the fear that tomorrow you will go manic or hit rock bottom. Or with me watching my daughters with eagle eyes trying to work out if they are turning out like me or are just acting their age.

Most days I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything, but luckily for me I HAVE to as I have a family and a job where I’m needed and have to get up and have given myself the ultimatum to make myself get up.

I and we all just have to remember that no matter how hard a time we are going through we will get there…

12Dec2015

To you…

Posted in always here, always hope, always light, battles, be proud, blackness, Emotions, Feeling lost, focus on yourself, for you, help is there, inspiration, internal fight, just me, letter, light at end of tunnel, love, mental health, screaming, trying to write, Uncategorized, wiriting, wiritings, writing, writings by Borderlinepersonalitylady

letter

To You…

I may not know you as I do not know who will actually read this.

What I want you to know is that you are an amazing person and were made to stay in this world as long as possible. Whatever difficulties you are going through please believe me when I say there is light out there in the darkness you may be feeling and experiencing.

I myself have be to the rock bottom many a time and probably will still but I am gradually being able to finally see a pinprick of light and start to crawl out of this dark dank place.

This world may seem dark and all you want to do is scream at the top of your lung and are filled with so many feelings and emotions. Let them out scream into a pillow, go for a run, have a good cry doing any of these does not make you weak.

You may want to feel the pain physically and try and get it out of your head even if it would be temporarily. To try and get rid of it all that has built up in you and you can no longer contain it. You don’t have to harm yourself, go and find a distraction anything to take your mind off it even if it will be temporary. At least it would be better than physically hurting yourself.

You may be feeling so alone yet you are constantly in the company of others. They talk to you but there is no real concern or connection in their voice or conversation. Please know that there is always going to be someone thinking about you.

If you are at rock bottom and are feeling like, there is no other way out and that no-one wants you around or that no-one would miss you. Please know from the bottom of my heart that there is someone, please find someone to talk to. Again I have been there many times and have tried to leave this world many times too and never succeeded. Find someone to talk to there will be someone that will listen.

I will listen, drop me a message on here or email me on: lmdodds89@hotmail.co.uk.

I can only listen but sometimes an outsiders view and help does help.

But please remember that you are a beautiful human being and are loved by people.

Take care and be safe and talk to people.

Lisa M Dodds