Category Archives: claw

Here we go yet again

Posted in ?, abyss, adopted, adoption, ahh, always here, always hope, am i mental, Anna, anorexia, axious, battles, Bio parents, blackness, borederline personality disorder, bpd, brain dead, breathe, bulimia, challenges, claw, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, crying, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, death, death failure, deep scars, demented, Detachment, Diagnosis, different, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, emotionless, Emotions, Emtions, Evil, exhaustion, failre, Feeling lost, feelings, fighting, Hate myself, hating, hell, help me, hide away, honesty, hurting, insanity, inside of me, internal fight, let down, liar, liars, lieing, mental health, mental scars, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, punishment, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, shameful, stress, stressful day, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, talk to, tired, to be contd., Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness, voices, void, why by

Here’s to another day of staring out the window and trying to will the windows of this physc unit to disappear so I can leap out and escape from here, But its not actually from here I want to escape its from my head and from thee voices and the darkness that is succumbing me. It is a toxic mix of voices and my own thoughts.

I was given some news last night that I thought would be the start of the end for this darkness, and this morning it has all been retracted and I’m back to where I was yesterday.

(quick update)

August 2017 I tried to commit suicide by inhalation from car fumes. rigged the whole thing (car) up and somehow survived. Since that day I have been in the local physc ward which is only a 20/25 minute drive from where I actually live. Thus meaning easy(ish) access for family to visit.

Basically the plan is for me to go to a residential unit for 18 months to do an intensive DBT therapy course. basically I will do two cycles of the whole course and then gradually released back into the community. The thing is that I want to go to a specific unit which has agreed to work with my BPD and my Anorexia and weight loss issues. This unit I want to go to is a 10 bed female unit and is specifically for BPD patients.  Where as this other unit the commissioning board want to send me to will only work with the BPD side but is a 26 bed physc ward and not specifically to cater for BPD. The Unit the commissioning board prefer is a bigger version of this general physc ward that I am on now and I no for a fact I will not get better there and that it is 100% NOT the right fit and unit for me.

Back to the present…

When you apply to residential units you have to be assessed by each unit and when you send it all through to the commissioning board to choose you have to have a minimum of 2 units. They met two weeks ago tomorrow and have agreed the funding but not the unit.

The thing is in the last 6/7 months of being here on this unit, they haven’t done any kind of therapy or work with me because we were hoping this whole process wouldn’t take this long to happen.

I’m so determined to do this but I’m loosing the will to keep fighting all of this and yet there are so so many what if’s???

 

Sometimes i feel…

Posted in ?, abyss, ahh, alone, am i mental, Anna, battles, bipolar, bipolar 2, blackness, breathe, challenges, child, claw, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, crying, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, day begins, death, different, drained, emotionless, Emotions, Evil, Feeling lost, feelings, fighting, Hate myself, hating, hell, help, hide away, hurting, insanity, inside of me, internal fight, mental health, mental scars, Mood change, my life, my story, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, not alone, physc unit., punishment, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, strength, stress, stuck, stuck within me, voices, void by

crying out

When someone in your life passes away it is devastating and you sometimes do not know how you will cope without them. People say that with time the pain gets easier to deal with. For me when I lost my grandparents I don’t think I ever grieved, Mainly because I have children and I felt like I had to put on a “strong persona” and maybe I haven’t ever taken this off. I think that as soon as I had my eldest daughter I suddenly felt that I would always have to the seen as the strong mother and not to show any pain that I might be going through. But that actually has been a thing that I have always done throughout my childhood. I have never been able to talk about feelings and have always kept everything to myself which I know I have spoken about many times. Doing this is partly a reason why I ended up in the Physc unit back in June 2015. I have tried to talk about how I am doing but I either cant get there words out or I’m too scared as I think that they will want to chuck me back into the Physc unit.

going insane

If I opened my head up all you would see is everything that I have ever kept to myself needing to spill out but I am managing to push it all down to make more space for anything else that needs to be kept up there and brought out into the light and have people knowing how wacky I am. People often say that I need to let feelings out and I always sit there and listen and answer “yes I no and I will talk to you if I need to”. Its just automatic instinct to answer like that. I have seemly perfected the whole “Hey!! how are you? Me… I’m great thank you!!” Its so easy that it just rolls off my tongue. Its scary actually scary at how easy it is, and people can keep saying “all you need to do it change” or “you’ve just got to stop doing it”. I’m sorry but if I wish I could do it that quickly and switch from keeping everything to myself to being able to talk about everything don’t you think I would of done it in a heartbeat. Its the same with me having Bipolar 2, if I could stop having it I would again and come off all medication and try and be as normal as people wanted me to be. But life isn’t that easy, if there was the perfect way to:

* Stop the voices in my head

*Stop me seeing her

*Stop the pain in my head

*Stop me not being able to release the feelings and pain

*Stop me having really bad days

*Stop comparing me to everyone else

*Help me be able to release feelings and actually get them out of my head when I write them down in my journal or on here.

*Etc.

Therefore you cannot make me normal, you cant compare me having many many many down days to someone having an “off” day. Or turn to me and say “oh I’m so bipolar today” or “I’m feeling bipolar today” or “I think I’m bipolar because my mood today has changed a few times”.

Having this mental health illnesses is not fun. Taking three lots off medication twice a day is not fun. Living with the fear that tomorrow you will go manic or hit rock bottom. Or with me watching my daughters with eagle eyes trying to work out if they are turning out like me or are just acting their age.

Most days I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything, but luckily for me I HAVE to as I have a family and a job where I’m needed and have to get up and have given myself the ultimatum to make myself get up.

the only way

I and we all just have to remember that no matter how hard a time we are going through we will get there…

Do you ever get?

Posted in ?, abyss, always here, always hope, am i mental, battles, bipolar, bipolar 2, claw, crying, dark abyss, mental health, stuck, writing, writings by

Feel nothing, fear nothing, show no emotion.

That moment where you suddenly are filled with grief and pain of mourning. You look out on a shining, morning and watch people come and go walking around in their own worlds.

That moment when you suddenly want to keep stabbing something over and over. Get some kind of rage out but you end up pushing it all down so far that its sat in the bottom of your gut making you physically sick.

That’s moment when your two worlds collide, and your head, mind and soul feel like they are going to burst into flames.

When you want to grad you medical ID tag or whatever is around your neck enough to make you choke and feel pain. To try and bury any pain and not to show or feel any kind of emotion. That moment when all you can do is to try and kill any emotions inwards. That no matter how much you try and ask for help the words refuse to come out. But you still have your non-emotion face and mask. Any enjoyment you normally feel has completely diminished.

That moment when your body just doesn’t want to function with how you need it to. Your legs feeling like their dead weights but you feel the need to keep moving.

To have to force yourself to be able to function and be able to interact with people all the time even though you don’t want to. This is the only way that I can make sure that I can keep myself on the go. Making sure that I am always busy as much as I can, and in the times that I am on my own continue to write as means to keep my mind busy. If I didn’t have the daily responsibility to keep me going. And more importantly having my family around me to also help keep me busy I think I would be holed up in my bedroom and hiding in my bed from this cruel evil world.

Sometimes i just want to….

Posted in abyss, adoption, always here, am i mental, battles, bipolar, breathe, challenges, claw, confusion, crying, dark abyss, darkness, daughter, feelings, hell by

Sometimes I get moments when I just want to call you and ask how you are?

But then I freeze and I can’t do it.

Sometimes I get times when I want to run into your arms and cry

But then I freeze.

Sometimes I get times when I want to call you and scream at you

But then I freeze.

Sometimes I want to just ask you why you did it all and let us go?

But then I freeze.

Sometimes I get moments when I want to see you instead of imagining what you look like now.

But then I freeze.

Sometimes I want to try and remember the good times from memories.

But then I freeze.

Sometimes I want to go for a walk around where we used to live.

But then I freeze.

Sometimes I get nightmares in my head at night and I try to lock them out but I just and I want to ask you why?

But then I freeze.

Sometimes just sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes I I I I I. Just want to try and remember something good about you.

But again I freeze, I always freeze my whole being freezes.

All I can say is that not sometimes but always I have the question why? What did I do wrong?

Keep thinking about working out my family history. Can’t do dad’s side but maybe your side. But it could bring out all the demons from everything from my past.

Why? Is all I can say.