Here we go yet again

Here’s to another day of staring out the window and trying to will the windows of this physc unit to disappear so I can leap out and escape from here, But its not actually from here I want to escape its from my head and from thee voices and the darkness that is succumbing me. It is a toxic mix of voices and my own thoughts.

I was given some news last night that I thought would be the start of the end for this darkness, and this morning it has all been retracted and I’m back to where I was yesterday.

(quick update)

August 2017 I tried to commit suicide by inhalation from car fumes. rigged the whole thing (car) up and somehow survived. Since that day I have been in the local physc ward which is only a 20/25 minute drive from where I actually live. Thus meaning easy(ish) access for family to visit.

Basically the plan is for me to go to a residential unit for 18 months to do an intensive DBT therapy course. basically I will do two cycles of the whole course and then gradually released back into the community. The thing is that I want to go to a specific unit which has agreed to work with my BPD and my Anorexia and weight loss issues. This unit I want to go to is a 10 bed female unit and is specifically for BPD patients.  Where as this other unit the commissioning board want to send me to will only work with the BPD side but is a 26 bed physc ward and not specifically to cater for BPD. The Unit the commissioning board prefer is a bigger version of this general physc ward that I am on now and I no for a fact I will not get better there and that it is 100% NOT the right fit and unit for me.

Back to the present…

When you apply to residential units you have to be assessed by each unit and when you send it all through to the commissioning board to choose you have to have a minimum of 2 units. They met two weeks ago tomorrow and have agreed the funding but not the unit.

The thing is in the last 6/7 months of being here on this unit, they haven’t done any kind of therapy or work with me because we were hoping this whole process wouldn’t take this long to happen.

I’m so determined to do this but I’m loosing the will to keep fighting all of this and yet there are so so many what if’s???

 

Sometimes i feel…

When someone in your life passes away it is devastating and you sometimes do not know how you will cope without them. People say that with time the pain gets easier to deal with. For me when I lost my grandparents I don’t think I ever grieved, Mainly because I have children and I felt like I had to put on a “strong persona” and maybe I haven’t ever taken this off. I think that as soon as I had my eldest daughter I suddenly felt that I would always have to the seen as the strong mother and not to show any pain that I might be going through. But that actually has been a thing that I have always done throughout my childhood. I have never been able to talk about feelings and have always kept everything to myself which I know I have spoken about many times. Doing this is partly a reason why I ended up in the Physc unit back in June 2015. I have tried to talk about how I am doing but I either cant get there words out or I’m too scared as I think that they will want to chuck me back into the Physc unit.

If I opened my head up all you would see is everything that I have ever kept to myself needing to spill out but I am managing to push it all down to make more space for anything else that needs to be kept up there and brought out into the light and have people knowing how wacky I am. People often say that I need to let feelings out and I always sit there and listen and answer “yes I no and I will talk to you if I need to”. Its just automatic instinct to answer like that. I have seemly perfected the whole “Hey!! how are you? Me… I’m great thank you!!” Its so easy that it just rolls off my tongue. Its scary actually scary at how easy it is, and people can keep saying “all you need to do it change” or “you’ve just got to stop doing it”. I’m sorry but if I wish I could do it that quickly and switch from keeping everything to myself to being able to talk about everything don’t you think I would of done it in a heartbeat. Its the same with me having Bipolar 2, if I could stop having it I would again and come off all medication and try and be as normal as people wanted me to be. But life isn’t that easy, if there was the perfect way to:

* Stop the voices in my head

*Stop me seeing her

*Stop the pain in my head

*Stop me not being able to release the feelings and pain

*Stop me having really bad days

*Stop comparing me to everyone else

*Help me be able to release feelings and actually get them out of my head when I write them down in my journal or on here.

*Etc.

Therefore you cannot make me normal, you cant compare me having many many many down days to someone having an “off” day. Or turn to me and say “oh I’m so bipolar today” or “I’m feeling bipolar today” or “I think I’m bipolar because my mood today has changed a few times”.

Having this mental health illnesses is not fun. Taking three lots off medication twice a day is not fun. Living with the fear that tomorrow you will go manic or hit rock bottom. Or with me watching my daughters with eagle eyes trying to work out if they are turning out like me or are just acting their age.

Most days I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything, but luckily for me I HAVE to as I have a family and a job where I’m needed and have to get up and have given myself the ultimatum to make myself get up.

I and we all just have to remember that no matter how hard a time we are going through we will get there…

phsysciatrist today :-(

 

I am currently sat in my empty shop on a rolled up old carpet shaking with anxiety and fear. We’re having a complete shop refit and new carpet is getting laid today (we think!) hopefully haven’t got the wrong day.

The reason my anxiety has hit me today is that I am going to meet my new permanent physciatrist today… But I’m no good with new people and I no 100% that I am going to struggle to get out the right words to explain how bad I am doing. My CPN is going to be there so will hopefully be able to put across how bad I am doing. I need to see a phycologist asap but I’m on at least a two year waiting list and private ones are £45.00 an hour which there is no way I can afford that. So it looks like I am on a waiting game which I don’t know if I can do and wait for.

The shop isn’t what’s causing me stress its my head, she’s back the voices are so strong today. Plus when I was in the physc ward I collapsed and smashed my head off a concrete floor and ever since I suffer with seriously strong pains. like right now I’m in so much pain, am taking whatever pain killers there are over the counter. cannot take paracetamol as I’m totally immune to them as I’ve overdosed on them throughout my life so much. not that anyone actually knows that, I think its from the time that I took over two boxes worth.

But I’m so struggling today and I really need to get myself into gear. and crack on and keep my “happy face ” on… make everyone think that I am happy and Larry.

hope anyone that reads this has a peaceful and happy day…

Its ok to show emotions it doesn’t mean you weak…

Its ok to show emotions it doesn’t mean you weak

People often think that to show any emotion mean that your weak and pathetic. It doesn’t mean that your too sensitive. Throughout life there are always going to be times when you going to be upset. But to show any emotions whether anger, sadness or being quiet doesn’t make you weak.

Is there a difference between anger and irritability?

Anger:

Anger is an emotion that can range from mild annoyance to intense rage. People may become angry when they feel threatened, harmed, or powerless.

Irritability:

Irritability is having a tendency to be easily annoyed or angry. People who often feel threatened or frustrated may feel angry all the time. The strain of daily stress can cause them to be irritaded with others. Constant anger and irritability can be bad for a person’s health, resulting in problems such as headaches and migraines and many other symptoms can also arise.. Sometimes, irritability causes people to lash out at others, which can put strain on any kind of relationship.

Types of emotions

Sadness:

Sadness can be both a physical pain or a mental pain associated with, or characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness, disappointment and sorrow. An individual experiencing sadness may become quiet or lethargic, and withdraw themselves from others. someone crying can be a sign of someone feeling sadness.

Surprise:

Surprise is a brief mental and physiological state. It can be an enjoyable experiece, but also a bad experience which can lead to other emotions kicking in.

Fear:

 Fear may occur in response to a something specific that has happened. Even if whatever has causeed this fear has gone the momories of it can keep reocurring.

Happiness:

Happiness is an enjoyable emotion, it can range from contentment to escalated joy.

Disgust:

Disgust is a response of revulsion to something considered offensive or unpleasant.

Not showing emotions does not mean you cold-hearted.

Some people struggle to show emotion or sometimes struggle to show any emotions at all. Some people tend to think that they are cold-hearted or senseless people, this is totally unfair. They do not know what is going on in that person’s head. I myself struggle to get emotions out at times, but in my head I am full of all kinds of emotions but outwardly I show nothing. The only time you can really tell when something is wrong is when I go quiet and try and be on my own all the time.

Does this mean that I am a horrible person NO I don’t think so? I have been through a lot of things when I was younger. Emotions weren’t a thing to be shown, this is what I thought was the right things until I was fostered and adopted. They showed compassion and showed me that you can talk and show emotions. Yet this not showing emotions has always stuck with me and still does to this day. But saying that I do show caring and compassion when it comes to someone else who is hurting or happiness when they are feeling good.

We are each individual…

Don’t judge us each as if we were the same were not….