Category Archives: not alone

Mothers day

Posted in adopted, adopted mum, adoption, be proud, challenges, child, daughter, daughters, Emotions, feelings, for you, inspiration, love, loved ones, making time, mother, mothering sunday, mothers day, mum, my life, my story, New day, not alone, physc unit., physciatric unit, story, strength, Uncategorized by

As Mothers Day draws nearer well tomorrow is Mothering Sunday, I look at photos of my daughters and think how proud of them I am. When I was pregnant with my eldest daughter I could not even begin to think of the amount of overwhelming love and the amount of emotions I would have when I first met her. I spent my whole pregnancy not realizing the effect of being in charge of a small person. Being in charge of another human being let alone a small baby.

Fast forward ten years and now I have three daughter 5,9 and 10 years old, and every day I can honestly say how proud I am to call myself their mum. I can look at them and say to myself “We created them, we are their mum and dad”. Because no matter how hard a time I am going through I no if I could move the world for them then I would. No matter how much they squabble or are horrid to each other or me, my undying love for them will never end.

And then I think to my own mother… I think about all the pain and suffering growing up I put her through and how she has never stopped loving me. I learnt so much rom my mother and I will never be able to thank her enough for the love and understanding and support she has given to myself and my big sister.

My mother is an amazing woman, loved by all our family, by all her friends. Without her I wouldn’t be the person I am today. It doesn’t matter that she is not my biological mother she my adopted mother. But as far as I am concerned she is and will always be my Mum, the person I can turn to for advice about anything. The person who is still looking after me aged 29, she has my back and is helping me through this difficult time I am going through right now. In fact both my parents are, their there for both myself and my husband and their grand-daughters.

So as tomorrow draws nearer I am thankful for being a mother and a daughter. I am super thankful for my mother and how amazing she is.

So to all the mothers out there in this massive world it doesn’t matter what type of mother you are or if there is more then one mother involved. Your all super precious and are doing a bloody good job.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO YOU ALL… XXX

End of another day…

Posted in abyss, ahh, alone, always here, always hope, always light, Anna, anorexia, battles, be proud, Bio parents, blackness, borederline personality disorder, bpd, bulimia, challenges, child, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, daughter, daughters, death, death failure, deep scars, Detachment, Diagnosis, dont have to be skinny to be anorexia, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, Emotions, exhaustion, feelings, fighting, focus on yourself, for you, fortijuice, fortisips, Hate myself, hating, hell, help, help is there, help me, honesty, ideas, insanity, inside of me, inspiration, internal fight, let down, light at end of tunnel, loved ones, making time, mental health, mental scars, mind f****d, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, not alone, operations, opinion, people, physc unit., physciatric unit, physcological mayhem, Physically tired, pondering, protein drinks, punishing yourself, punishment, rise above, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, shameful, stigma, story, stress, stressful day, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, take me, talk to, tired, to be contd., Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness, voices, why, wonder by

As the end of another days draws to an end I’m here again sat pondering and wondering what lies ahead for me. my future might be uncertain right now but I still have the inklings of hope that I can get better. NO not can get better BUT will get better…

I no for a fact that the roads ahead are lined with pits and dips but also are filled with happiness and hope and light. This path that I am starting on soon (I hope anyways) is going to be tough and lots of hard work but I cannot stay in this vicious continuous cycle or treadmill of being ok and then trying to commit suicide. It is not fair to only myself but to my family and friends and this last attempt has given me the kick up the arse to actually do something about it. To do something to break the cycle of break downs.

The amount of damage I have done internally to my body (mainly my oesophagus) is terrible. I have the scars on hips and wrists and stomach, I have had to go for monthly oesophagus dilation operations to stretch my throat so I can actually maybe one day eat solid food. Since April 10th 2017 I haven’t been able to eat a single solid piece of food due to yet another attempt at taking my life. and since then I have survived on fortisips (protein drinks) to give me all my calories and keep me going. luckily now I can actually swallow smooth soup and custard, I can’t swallow anything with bits in it or eat biscuits. But maybe one day I hopefully will be able to dunk that ginger biscuit in a cup of coffee.

Here’s to wondering and pondering the next and very near (hopefully) future…

To be cont.d…

pexels-photo-532508.jpeg

Sometimes i feel…

Posted in ?, abyss, ahh, alone, am i mental, Anna, battles, bipolar, bipolar 2, blackness, breathe, challenges, child, claw, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, crying, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, day begins, death, different, drained, emotionless, Emotions, Evil, Feeling lost, feelings, fighting, Hate myself, hating, hell, help, hide away, hurting, insanity, inside of me, internal fight, mental health, mental scars, Mood change, my life, my story, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, not alone, physc unit., punishment, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, strength, stress, stuck, stuck within me, voices, void by

crying out

When someone in your life passes away it is devastating and you sometimes do not know how you will cope without them. People say that with time the pain gets easier to deal with. For me when I lost my grandparents I don’t think I ever grieved, Mainly because I have children and I felt like I had to put on a “strong persona” and maybe I haven’t ever taken this off. I think that as soon as I had my eldest daughter I suddenly felt that I would always have to the seen as the strong mother and not to show any pain that I might be going through. But that actually has been a thing that I have always done throughout my childhood. I have never been able to talk about feelings and have always kept everything to myself which I know I have spoken about many times. Doing this is partly a reason why I ended up in the Physc unit back in June 2015. I have tried to talk about how I am doing but I either cant get there words out or I’m too scared as I think that they will want to chuck me back into the Physc unit.

going insane

If I opened my head up all you would see is everything that I have ever kept to myself needing to spill out but I am managing to push it all down to make more space for anything else that needs to be kept up there and brought out into the light and have people knowing how wacky I am. People often say that I need to let feelings out and I always sit there and listen and answer “yes I no and I will talk to you if I need to”. Its just automatic instinct to answer like that. I have seemly perfected the whole “Hey!! how are you? Me… I’m great thank you!!” Its so easy that it just rolls off my tongue. Its scary actually scary at how easy it is, and people can keep saying “all you need to do it change” or “you’ve just got to stop doing it”. I’m sorry but if I wish I could do it that quickly and switch from keeping everything to myself to being able to talk about everything don’t you think I would of done it in a heartbeat. Its the same with me having Bipolar 2, if I could stop having it I would again and come off all medication and try and be as normal as people wanted me to be. But life isn’t that easy, if there was the perfect way to:

* Stop the voices in my head

*Stop me seeing her

*Stop the pain in my head

*Stop me not being able to release the feelings and pain

*Stop me having really bad days

*Stop comparing me to everyone else

*Help me be able to release feelings and actually get them out of my head when I write them down in my journal or on here.

*Etc.

Therefore you cannot make me normal, you cant compare me having many many many down days to someone having an “off” day. Or turn to me and say “oh I’m so bipolar today” or “I’m feeling bipolar today” or “I think I’m bipolar because my mood today has changed a few times”.

Having this mental health illnesses is not fun. Taking three lots off medication twice a day is not fun. Living with the fear that tomorrow you will go manic or hit rock bottom. Or with me watching my daughters with eagle eyes trying to work out if they are turning out like me or are just acting their age.

Most days I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything, but luckily for me I HAVE to as I have a family and a job where I’m needed and have to get up and have given myself the ultimatum to make myself get up.

the only way

I and we all just have to remember that no matter how hard a time we are going through we will get there…

stressful day…

Posted in always here, inspiration, let down, letter, not alone, physcological mayhem, stress, stressful day by

Good evening I hope this finds whoever reads this well.

Just wanted to say hi. It’s been an extremely stressful day here for me… have suffered from stress hesdaches/migraine. So much been happening won’t go into details as don’t want to bore anyone out.

Now it’s absolutely beautiful weather really hot and sunny. Not a cloud in the sky. Such a difference to the cold cold and wet weather we’ve had last week. Better make the most of it though as its supposed to rain on Saturday or Sunday.

We have a thing here called the north swim. It’s where people compete in racing in lake Windermere. Suddenly we have hundreds of people in our village as everyone into the village bed and breakfasts. We’re full. We have two one nighter stays.

It’s such a beautiful day I’ve been in the shop but have been taking every opportunity to sit outside the shop in the sun. Hoping the wet weather doesn’t last. Anyways that’s enough of me boring whoever reads this.

Remember you are never alone. Speak to someone anyone about how you are feeling.

Take care all

Lisa x