Category Archives: physcological mayhem

End of another day…

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As the end of another days draws to an end I’m here again sat pondering and wondering what lies ahead for me. my future might be uncertain right now but I still have the inklings of hope that I can get better. NO not can get better BUT will get better…

I no for a fact that the roads ahead are lined with pits and dips but also are filled with happiness and hope and light. This path that I am starting on soon (I hope anyways) is going to be tough and lots of hard work but I cannot stay in this vicious continuous cycle or treadmill of being ok and then trying to commit suicide. It is not fair to only myself but to my family and friends and this last attempt has given me the kick up the arse to actually do something about it. To do something to break the cycle of break downs.

The amount of damage I have done internally to my body (mainly my oesophagus) is terrible. I have the scars on hips and wrists and stomach, I have had to go for monthly oesophagus dilation operations to stretch my throat so I can actually maybe one day eat solid food. Since April 10th 2017 I haven’t been able to eat a single solid piece of food due to yet another attempt at taking my life. and since then I have survived on fortisips (protein drinks) to give me all my calories and keep me going. luckily now I can actually swallow smooth soup and custard, I can’t swallow anything with bits in it or eat biscuits. But maybe one day I hopefully will be able to dunk that ginger biscuit in a cup of coffee.

Here’s to wondering and pondering the next and very near (hopefully) future…

To be cont.d…

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day 4….

Posted in abyss, always here, am i mental, anorexia, bipolar, confusion, crying, dark abyss, darkness, death, death failure, eating disorder, eating disorders, failre, help me, let down, mental health, ocd kicked in, physc unit., physciatric unit, physcological mayhem, punishment, room, stress, stressful day, suicidal, suicide by

Can’t write much as battery is gonna die. But fourth day in and still not eaten. In five days. Finally it feels like someone understands me. At long last they can see how I really am. Had ecg today to check up on heart thing they found. Said all’s clear.

Getting bloods taken tomorrow.

Been put on an extra two meds as well.

Lamotrigine, quetiapine and mirtazapine. All taste rather disgusting but what’s gotta be taken has to be taken I guess. One has to be taken three times a day other two twtwice a day.

I’m still in very much so suicidal way. But writing in my journaI constantly is making my mind wander away from suicidal thoughts. Even though i end up writing out my suicidal thoughts and they stay in my head. At least if I cant tell someone then I can get them to read it.

Better go but hope your all well and thanks for taking time to keep this babbling of mine.

Lisa

third day in here…

Posted in abyss, always here, am i mental, anorexia, bipolar, bulimia, confusion, crying, dark abyss, darkness, death, death failure, eating disorder, eating disorders, failre, let down, mental health, ocd kicked in, physc unit., physciatric unit, physcological mayhem, punishment, stress, stressful day, suicidal, suicide, swimming, writing by

Nothing has changed I still no that if I left I’d make sure I left this world. Can’t bring myself to speak to one of nurses. Anyway the lady I promised that I would talk isn’t I. Today. Whether she is on tonight I don’t know.

My journal is beingused loads. I’m kinda alternating between using kindle and phone and writing with having to hand my charger in. Got my 2nd phone on charge atm.

I think that they are keeping tabs on my eating or should say non existent eating. I haven’t eaten in four days. Just can’t face sitting In a room full of other people who will see what I don’t eat. Will see me eating.

Anna made me trash all the food I did bring. Literally trash. Open all the food into a bag and had to stamp on it 10 times.10 time only.

Even now I’ve got the pangs and rumbling that my stomach needs food but after spending so long being able to ignore them I can do that all over again.

I’m trying to talk to people but am too shy.

Lisa

might not be on for a while…

Posted in abyss, anorexia, bipolar, confusion, crying, dark abyss, darkness, death, death failure, eating disorder, help me, let down, mental health, physcological mayhem, punishment, stress, stressful day, suicide by

I’m probably not going to be on for a while. Yesterday I tried to end my life as I’ve crashes rock bottom worse then ever before. I’ve now been admitted to a physc unit in Carlisle. Been here couple of hours and wierd. Keeping myself to myself.

rules aren’t what I expected. Anyway enough of me.

iirwally hope your all well. And I will be on when I can. Take care all.

Lisa xx