Category Archives: punishing yourself

End of another day…

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As the end of another days draws to an end I’m here again sat pondering and wondering what lies ahead for me. my future might be uncertain right now but I still have the inklings of hope that I can get better. NO not can get better BUT will get better…

I no for a fact that the roads ahead are lined with pits and dips but also are filled with happiness and hope and light. This path that I am starting on soon (I hope anyways) is going to be tough and lots of hard work but I cannot stay in this vicious continuous cycle or treadmill of being ok and then trying to commit suicide. It is not fair to only myself but to my family and friends and this last attempt has given me the kick up the arse to actually do something about it. To do something to break the cycle of break downs.

The amount of damage I have done internally to my body (mainly my oesophagus) is terrible. I have the scars on hips and wrists and stomach, I have had to go for monthly oesophagus dilation operations to stretch my throat so I can actually maybe one day eat solid food. Since April 10th 2017 I haven’t been able to eat a single solid piece of food due to yet another attempt at taking my life. and since then I have survived on fortisips (protein drinks) to give me all my calories and keep me going. luckily now I can actually swallow smooth soup and custard, I can’t swallow anything with bits in it or eat biscuits. But maybe one day I hopefully will be able to dunk that ginger biscuit in a cup of coffee.

Here’s to wondering and pondering the next and very near (hopefully) future…

To be cont.d…

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a few days…

Posted in abyss, always here, am i mental, bipolar, confusion, crying, dark abyss, darkness, death, death failure, failre, help me, inspiration, let down, mental health, punishing yourself, punishment, stress, stressful day, suicide, talk to, writing by

Well it’s been a few days since I last posted on here.

If I’m truly honest I would say that I’m not doing well not well at all really. My head is a mess and so am I. But I am doing my best to keep my outwardly smile on but it’s getting so hard.

I’m actually feeling like I’m not wanted around on this earth anymore. I don’t no what has triggered this off but it’s a sense I’m getting all the time and its getting stronger all the time. I don’t no it will just be me and my utterly stupid brain.

But I do seriously feel like I’m beginning to loose it all again. Focusing on keep my mask on is helping keep me clinging onto this cliff face.

This cliff face is so so high….

another day…

Posted in abyss, always here, am i mental, bipolar, confusion, crying, dark abyss, darkness, death, death failure, eating disorder, failre, help me, let down, letter, mental health, physcological mayhem, publishing, punishing yourself, punishment, stress, stressful day, suicide, talk to, writing by

Another day…. a new start….? Nope stuck already… eaten special k porridge pot and feeling sick wanting it out of my system. But am stuck in shop so that’s one good thing I suppose otherwise I would be making it come out.

Have lost another lb so down to 11 stone 6 lbs. Scary thing is it actually feels good. The feeling of feeling proud. Anna’s proud therefore I’m keeping her happy. So that’s a good thing right?

No no it’s not my head is so screwed right now and feels like it will be permanently.

With the different concoctions or diet pills and etc that I’ve taken. All the different meds I take and the many times I’ve over dosed on pain killers and etc. Don’t no how much damage I’ve done to my body as I never go to hospital I just allow on in between throwing up and all the side effects.

I have been hospitalized once but that was for an od. And I only stayed in for 24 hours but was put on bed rest for 3 days. The side effects were horrendous.

There sure still times are so dark and I do seriously contemplate going and leaving this world. I have even written letters to each of my family explaining why I have to go. I’m exhausted of this darkness it’s a cliff face that I’m hanging onto.

Outwardly I seem so happy and bubbly, yet in my head I’m all over the place. My head feels like it’s gonna explode. That’s why I write on here. Try to get out of my head the fckd up thoughts and feelings. Hate it. Even though I do write on here it’s all st in my head…

 

Lisa x