End of another day…

Posted in abyss, ahh, alone, always here, always hope, always light, Anna, anorexia, battles, be proud, Bio parents, blackness, borederline personality disorder, bpd, bulimia, challenges, child, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, daughter, daughters, death, death failure, deep scars, Detachment, Diagnosis, dont have to be skinny to be anorexia, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, Emotions, exhaustion, feelings, fighting, focus on yourself, for you, fortijuice, fortisips, Hate myself, hating, hell, help, help is there, help me, honesty, ideas, insanity, inside of me, inspiration, internal fight, let down, light at end of tunnel, loved ones, making time, mental health, mental scars, mind f****d, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, not alone, operations, opinion, people, physc unit., physciatric unit, physcological mayhem, Physically tired, pondering, protein drinks, punishing yourself, punishment, rise above, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, shameful, stigma, story, stress, stressful day, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, take me, talk to, tired, to be contd., Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness, voices, why, wonder by Borderlinepersonalitylady

As the end of another days draws to an end I’m here again sat pondering and wondering what lies ahead for me. my future might be uncertain right now but I still have the inklings of hope that I can get better. NO not can get better BUT will get better…

I no for a fact that the roads ahead are lined with pits and dips but also are filled with happiness and hope and light. This path that I am starting on soon (I hope anyways) is going to be tough and lots of hard work but I cannot stay in this vicious continuous cycle or treadmill of being ok and then trying to commit suicide. It is not fair to only myself but to my family and friends and this last attempt has given me the kick up the arse to actually do something about it. To do something to break the cycle of break downs.

The amount of damage I have done internally to my body (mainly my oesophagus) is terrible. I have the scars on hips and wrists and stomach, I have had to go for monthly oesophagus dilation operations to stretch my throat so I can actually maybe one day eat solid food. Since April 10th 2017 I haven’t been able to eat a single solid piece of food due to yet another attempt at taking my life. and since then I have survived on fortisips (protein drinks) to give me all my calories and keep me going. luckily now I can actually swallow smooth soup and custard, I can’t swallow anything with bits in it or eat biscuits. But maybe one day I hopefully will be able to dunk that ginger biscuit in a cup of coffee.

Here’s to wondering and pondering the next and very near (hopefully) future…

To be cont.d…

14Sep2017

Suicide awareness month

Posted in always here, anorexia, battles, be proud, bipolar, bipolar 2, blog help, bulimia, death, death failure, Detachment, Diagnosis, different, dont have to be skinny to be anorexia, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, focus on yourself, help, help appreciated, help is there, Medicated, Medication, mental health, needing help, Question, stamp it out, stigma, story, strength, stress, suicidal, suicide, symptoms, taboo, talk to, tired, Uncategorized, why, you can do this by Borderlinepersonalitylady

As it’s suicide awareness month I’ve been looking into numbers to call etc from the U.K.

I found this:
Did you know that if you text 07725 909090 when you are feeling really depressed, a crisis counsellor will text with you? Many people don’t like talking on the phone and find it difficult to open up to friends and family. Some people would be more comfortable texting. It’s a service run by Samaritans.
Please copy, paste & pass on (rather than sharing). You never know who might be needing it. Thanks
Contact Us Now/Call Us 24/7/365 If Needs Be
116 123 (UK)
116 123 (ROI)
Whatever you’re going through, call us free any time, from any phone on 116 123…..We’re here round the clock, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. If you need a response immediately, it’s best to call us on the phone. This number is FREE to call. You don’t have to be suicidal to call us.
EMAIL US
jo@samaritans.org
VISIT US
Find your local Samaritans branch.
WRITE TO US
Freepost RSRB-KKBY-CYJK, PO Box 9090, STIRLING, FK8 2SA
#ItsOkNotToBeOk #mentalhealthawareness #1in4

Dont suffer in silence speak out.

12Dec2015

To you…

Posted in always here, always hope, always light, battles, be proud, blackness, Emotions, Feeling lost, focus on yourself, for you, help is there, inspiration, internal fight, just me, letter, light at end of tunnel, love, mental health, screaming, trying to write, Uncategorized, wiriting, wiritings, writing, writings by Borderlinepersonalitylady

letter

To You…

I may not know you as I do not know who will actually read this.

What I want you to know is that you are an amazing person and were made to stay in this world as long as possible. Whatever difficulties you are going through please believe me when I say there is light out there in the darkness you may be feeling and experiencing.

I myself have be to the rock bottom many a time and probably will still but I am gradually being able to finally see a pinprick of light and start to crawl out of this dark dank place.

This world may seem dark and all you want to do is scream at the top of your lung and are filled with so many feelings and emotions. Let them out scream into a pillow, go for a run, have a good cry doing any of these does not make you weak.

You may want to feel the pain physically and try and get it out of your head even if it would be temporarily. To try and get rid of it all that has built up in you and you can no longer contain it. You don’t have to harm yourself, go and find a distraction anything to take your mind off it even if it will be temporary. At least it would be better than physically hurting yourself.

You may be feeling so alone yet you are constantly in the company of others. They talk to you but there is no real concern or connection in their voice or conversation. Please know that there is always going to be someone thinking about you.

If you are at rock bottom and are feeling like, there is no other way out and that no-one wants you around or that no-one would miss you. Please know from the bottom of my heart that there is someone, please find someone to talk to. Again I have been there many times and have tried to leave this world many times too and never succeeded. Find someone to talk to there will be someone that will listen.

I will listen, drop me a message on here or email me on: lmdodds89@hotmail.co.uk.

I can only listen but sometimes an outsiders view and help does help.

But please remember that you are a beautiful human being and are loved by people.

Take care and be safe and talk to people.

Lisa M Dodds

22Sep2015

Surprised myself….

Posted in bipolar, help is there, mental health, stamp it out, stigma, twittering, writing, yacking by Borderlinepersonalitylady

my twittering undoubtedly has me surpriseed that anyone actually wants to read anything I write I usually start on some subject and tangent off it majorly. But that is how I am so its really a love or hate thing about me. also that when I’m nervous I can also tend to just talk. talk about shite anything to take me off whatever is about to happen. Like in Hadrian ward when I went in to meet Becky for the first time she would ask me a question but I ended up going off subject. But when I went into the first meeting with Dr jide and the other three doctors each who specialised in a specific subject of medical things. But that was four strangers well five including the chaperone as I hadn’t met her before. But I don’t think that I had been In even a week when I was Sat in a big room with these five strangers. was ok when my husband was with me because I had the support of someone I actually could look at without thinking shit I need out of here. or their gonna think I’m a complete mutter and never let me out of here. But after about the third meeting it got gradually easier for me to talk to them. Even though the tall ginger junior doctor looked as bell until my very last meeting two weeks before I was discharged. was like he had been given a kick up the arse. or maybe because he was looking forward to his next “case”

“case” I hate that fricking word with a massive vengeance, especially when medical practitioners say “hello I have been looking at your case”. it’s not a case it’s a fringing file full of supposedly information about how I am doing and what’s has been happening and what medication I have been on and am on. I am not a “case” that can be thrown around. We are human beings and do not like to be called or referred to as a case. a case is something that is dealt with in court. We are not our diagnosis, we are not the labels you give us. We are not something that is stuck to the bottom of your shoes and can be cleaned off. We are here and we have feelings and emotions too.

Like anyone else in this world we can be out there amongst people. “normal” people whatever normal is, but you would never be able to tell who has a mental illness from just looking. But those with obvious illnesses or injuries you can see straight away. We are ill in the same way just not physically able to see it. The stigma against mental health is bad and is really obvious from even just with me. I wear a medical I.d tag and it has my name and address on one side and the medical symbol and the word bipolar underneath it. I wear this around my neck on outside of my clothes. most people don’t say anything but there is the minority of people that have questioned me about it not to gather information about bipolar but to see if I’m actually capable to work. it might only be a minority that are disgusted to see or read about mental health illnesses but it still does hurt when people are blindsided by damn ignorance.

This is one thing final passionate about now more then ever. To somehow get the stigma of mental health stamped out. To show people that we are not a danger to society and are just like them in many many ways.