End of another day…

Posted in abyss, ahh, alone, always here, always hope, always light, Anna, anorexia, battles, be proud, Bio parents, blackness, borederline personality disorder, bpd, bulimia, challenges, child, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, daughter, daughters, death, death failure, deep scars, Detachment, Diagnosis, dont have to be skinny to be anorexia, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, Emotions, exhaustion, feelings, fighting, focus on yourself, for you, fortijuice, fortisips, Hate myself, hating, hell, help, help is there, help me, honesty, ideas, insanity, inside of me, inspiration, internal fight, let down, light at end of tunnel, loved ones, making time, mental health, mental scars, mind f****d, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, not alone, operations, opinion, people, physc unit., physciatric unit, physcological mayhem, Physically tired, pondering, protein drinks, punishing yourself, punishment, rise above, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, shameful, stigma, story, stress, stressful day, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, take me, talk to, tired, to be contd., Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness, voices, why, wonder by Borderlinepersonalitylady

As the end of another days draws to an end I’m here again sat pondering and wondering what lies ahead for me. my future might be uncertain right now but I still have the inklings of hope that I can get better. NO not can get better BUT will get better…

I no for a fact that the roads ahead are lined with pits and dips but also are filled with happiness and hope and light. This path that I am starting on soon (I hope anyways) is going to be tough and lots of hard work but I cannot stay in this vicious continuous cycle or treadmill of being ok and then trying to commit suicide. It is not fair to only myself but to my family and friends and this last attempt has given me the kick up the arse to actually do something about it. To do something to break the cycle of break downs.

The amount of damage I have done internally to my body (mainly my oesophagus) is terrible. I have the scars on hips and wrists and stomach, I have had to go for monthly oesophagus dilation operations to stretch my throat so I can actually maybe one day eat solid food. Since April 10th 2017 I haven’t been able to eat a single solid piece of food due to yet another attempt at taking my life. and since then I have survived on fortisips (protein drinks) to give me all my calories and keep me going. luckily now I can actually swallow smooth soup and custard, I can’t swallow anything with bits in it or eat biscuits. But maybe one day I hopefully will be able to dunk that ginger biscuit in a cup of coffee.

Here’s to wondering and pondering the next and very near (hopefully) future…

To be cont.d…

1Jan2016

This new year…

Posted in always here, always hope, always light, battles, be proud, bipolar, bipolar 2, blackness, challenges, darkness, Emotions, Feeling lost, feelings, fighting, focus on yourself, internal fight, light at end of tunnel, love, loved ones, new year, strength, Valleys of darkness, you can do this by Borderlinepersonalitylady

just gotta believe

I hope that you all can find the strength from within yourself to make this year the best one yet. A new day and a new year begin, but even though it is a new year it is actually never too late to start a-new and start over. It does not matter when you decide it means the same thing. For you to know and realise that you need or want to restart and renew your life is amazing in itself. You have found the strength to do it and always remember that you are never alone in any of this.

You are never ever alone no matter how low or dark or alone you feel there is always someone out there thinking about you.

I have spoken before about self-care box and maybe this is something that could work for you. I actually use an old(ish) bag for me, it has a journal that I often write quotes that I like or can relate to or just write in it whatever is in my head. It does also have many other things in it too.

I no for a fact that I do tend to ramble in my blog posts and that this is a rather short one but I just wanted to say

1) I am so proud of you.

2) That no matter how dark and far away from the light you feel you are it is out there, even the tiniest pin prick of light is there. You just got to follow it and believe that you can get there.

I no that you may have demons that you are fighting and I myself have many demons that I constantly fighting. In fact there is not a second that I’m not fighting them, but I do believe we can beat them with the help from family and friends.

“You just gotta BELIEVE in yourself”

Lisa M Dodds

diamond

12Dec2015

To you…

Posted in always here, always hope, always light, battles, be proud, blackness, Emotions, Feeling lost, focus on yourself, for you, help is there, inspiration, internal fight, just me, letter, light at end of tunnel, love, mental health, screaming, trying to write, Uncategorized, wiriting, wiritings, writing, writings by Borderlinepersonalitylady

letter

To You…

I may not know you as I do not know who will actually read this.

What I want you to know is that you are an amazing person and were made to stay in this world as long as possible. Whatever difficulties you are going through please believe me when I say there is light out there in the darkness you may be feeling and experiencing.

I myself have be to the rock bottom many a time and probably will still but I am gradually being able to finally see a pinprick of light and start to crawl out of this dark dank place.

This world may seem dark and all you want to do is scream at the top of your lung and are filled with so many feelings and emotions. Let them out scream into a pillow, go for a run, have a good cry doing any of these does not make you weak.

You may want to feel the pain physically and try and get it out of your head even if it would be temporarily. To try and get rid of it all that has built up in you and you can no longer contain it. You don’t have to harm yourself, go and find a distraction anything to take your mind off it even if it will be temporary. At least it would be better than physically hurting yourself.

You may be feeling so alone yet you are constantly in the company of others. They talk to you but there is no real concern or connection in their voice or conversation. Please know that there is always going to be someone thinking about you.

If you are at rock bottom and are feeling like, there is no other way out and that no-one wants you around or that no-one would miss you. Please know from the bottom of my heart that there is someone, please find someone to talk to. Again I have been there many times and have tried to leave this world many times too and never succeeded. Find someone to talk to there will be someone that will listen.

I will listen, drop me a message on here or email me on: lmdodds89@hotmail.co.uk.

I can only listen but sometimes an outsiders view and help does help.

But please remember that you are a beautiful human being and are loved by people.

Take care and be safe and talk to people.

Lisa M Dodds

10Jun2015

how do we learn to love our children…

Posted in abyss, always here, bipolar, confusion, darkness, help me, inspiration, let down, letter, light at end of tunnel, mental health, missing you, not alone, physcological mayhem, publishing, talk to, Uncategorized, writing by Borderlinepersonalitylady

How did the purest of love emerge when I had each of my daughter’s. Not a second goes by that I’m not thinking of all three of them. Loving and hoping that I can do the best job in the world for them. They are my living souls. The three purest beautiful people I love. I would do anything for them.

They are not spoilt. They have manners and mind the ps and qs.

But for me I will always have the fear for myself as mum that I will turn out like my biological mother. I have spoken before about her and how I am petrified daily that i am becoming her. The grip of fear that my bio parents have over me is a battle I no that only I can overcome and beat. It’s gonna he a life long mission. Sometimes I feel like I should do a Jeremy Kyle show and drag their asses on tv in front of millions of people and ask them.

But the hard part for anyone of the researchers would be to find my biological father. Unfortunately he used to physically and severely mentally abuse us. He was sent to prison for physical and sexual abuse and mental abuse and no-one has heard anything from him or about him.

Does it sound really stupid that he is the one that I would ever want to speak to. As I no nothing of or about him. I don’t remember what he looks like or anything. How much do I look like him? I have allsorts of questions but in the other hand I don’t want to know.

But all that remains is I am going to live every single day determined not to turn out like my biological mother. I will aim to be the best mother I can be for my beautiful girls. The love I have for them will never end and you cannot put a price on love.

So where does the love and instinct to love our children come from? How do we know to love our children?

How come my parents never properly love us or care for us? This one I think ill never no the answer to.

Take care all.