Mothers day

Posted in adopted, adopted mum, adoption, be proud, challenges, child, daughter, daughters, Emotions, feelings, for you, inspiration, love, loved ones, making time, mother, mothering sunday, mothers day, mum, my life, my story, New day, not alone, physc unit., physciatric unit, story, strength, Uncategorized by Borderlinepersonalitylady

As Mothers Day draws nearer well tomorrow is Mothering Sunday, I look at photos of my daughters and think how proud of them I am. When I was pregnant with my eldest daughter I could not even begin to think of the amount of overwhelming love and the amount of emotions I would have when I first met her. I spent my whole pregnancy not realizing the effect of being in charge of a small person. Being in charge of another human being let alone a small baby.

Fast forward ten years and now I have three daughter 5,9 and 10 years old, and every day I can honestly say how proud I am to call myself their mum. I can look at them and say to myself “We created them, we are their mum and dad”. Because no matter how hard a time I am going through I no if I could move the world for them then I would. No matter how much they squabble or are horrid to each other or me, my undying love for them will never end.

And then I think to my own mother… I think about all the pain and suffering growing up I put her through and how she has never stopped loving me. I learnt so much rom my mother and I will never be able to thank her enough for the love and understanding and support she has given to myself and my big sister.

My mother is an amazing woman, loved by all our family, by all her friends. Without her I wouldn’t be the person I am today. It doesn’t matter that she is not my biological mother she my adopted mother. But as far as I am concerned she is and will always be my Mum, the person I can turn to for advice about anything. The person who is still looking after me aged 29, she has my back and is helping me through this difficult time I am going through right now. In fact both my parents are, their there for both myself and my husband and their grand-daughters.

So as tomorrow draws nearer I am thankful for being a mother and a daughter. I am super thankful for my mother and how amazing she is.

So to all the mothers out there in this massive world it doesn’t matter what type of mother you are or if there is more then one mother involved. Your all super precious and are doing a bloody good job.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO YOU ALL… XXX

9Mar2018

End of another day…

Posted in abyss, ahh, alone, always here, always hope, always light, Anna, anorexia, battles, be proud, Bio parents, blackness, borederline personality disorder, bpd, bulimia, challenges, child, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, daughter, daughters, death, death failure, deep scars, Detachment, Diagnosis, dont have to be skinny to be anorexia, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, Emotions, exhaustion, feelings, fighting, focus on yourself, for you, fortijuice, fortisips, Hate myself, hating, hell, help, help is there, help me, honesty, ideas, insanity, inside of me, inspiration, internal fight, let down, light at end of tunnel, loved ones, making time, mental health, mental scars, mind f****d, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, not alone, operations, opinion, people, physc unit., physciatric unit, physcological mayhem, Physically tired, pondering, protein drinks, punishing yourself, punishment, rise above, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, shameful, stigma, story, stress, stressful day, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, take me, talk to, tired, to be contd., Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness, voices, why, wonder by Borderlinepersonalitylady

As the end of another days draws to an end I’m here again sat pondering and wondering what lies ahead for me. my future might be uncertain right now but I still have the inklings of hope that I can get better. NO not can get better BUT will get better…

I no for a fact that the roads ahead are lined with pits and dips but also are filled with happiness and hope and light. This path that I am starting on soon (I hope anyways) is going to be tough and lots of hard work but I cannot stay in this vicious continuous cycle or treadmill of being ok and then trying to commit suicide. It is not fair to only myself but to my family and friends and this last attempt has given me the kick up the arse to actually do something about it. To do something to break the cycle of break downs.

The amount of damage I have done internally to my body (mainly my oesophagus) is terrible. I have the scars on hips and wrists and stomach, I have had to go for monthly oesophagus dilation operations to stretch my throat so I can actually maybe one day eat solid food. Since April 10th 2017 I haven’t been able to eat a single solid piece of food due to yet another attempt at taking my life. and since then I have survived on fortisips (protein drinks) to give me all my calories and keep me going. luckily now I can actually swallow smooth soup and custard, I can’t swallow anything with bits in it or eat biscuits. But maybe one day I hopefully will be able to dunk that ginger biscuit in a cup of coffee.

Here’s to wondering and pondering the next and very near (hopefully) future…

To be cont.d…

14Sep2017

Suicide awareness month

Posted in always here, anorexia, battles, be proud, bipolar, bipolar 2, blog help, bulimia, death, death failure, Detachment, Diagnosis, different, dont have to be skinny to be anorexia, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, focus on yourself, help, help appreciated, help is there, Medicated, Medication, mental health, needing help, Question, stamp it out, stigma, story, strength, stress, suicidal, suicide, symptoms, taboo, talk to, tired, Uncategorized, why, you can do this by Borderlinepersonalitylady

As it’s suicide awareness month I’ve been looking into numbers to call etc from the U.K.

I found this:
Did you know that if you text 07725 909090 when you are feeling really depressed, a crisis counsellor will text with you? Many people don’t like talking on the phone and find it difficult to open up to friends and family. Some people would be more comfortable texting. It’s a service run by Samaritans.
Please copy, paste & pass on (rather than sharing). You never know who might be needing it. Thanks
Contact Us Now/Call Us 24/7/365 If Needs Be
116 123 (UK)
116 123 (ROI)
Whatever you’re going through, call us free any time, from any phone on 116 123…..We’re here round the clock, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. If you need a response immediately, it’s best to call us on the phone. This number is FREE to call. You don’t have to be suicidal to call us.
EMAIL US
jo@samaritans.org
VISIT US
Find your local Samaritans branch.
WRITE TO US
Freepost RSRB-KKBY-CYJK, PO Box 9090, STIRLING, FK8 2SA
#ItsOkNotToBeOk #mentalhealthawareness #1in4

Dont suffer in silence speak out.

1Jan2016

This new year…

Posted in always here, always hope, always light, battles, be proud, bipolar, bipolar 2, blackness, challenges, darkness, Emotions, Feeling lost, feelings, fighting, focus on yourself, internal fight, light at end of tunnel, love, loved ones, new year, strength, Valleys of darkness, you can do this by Borderlinepersonalitylady

just gotta believe

I hope that you all can find the strength from within yourself to make this year the best one yet. A new day and a new year begin, but even though it is a new year it is actually never too late to start a-new and start over. It does not matter when you decide it means the same thing. For you to know and realise that you need or want to restart and renew your life is amazing in itself. You have found the strength to do it and always remember that you are never alone in any of this.

You are never ever alone no matter how low or dark or alone you feel there is always someone out there thinking about you.

I have spoken before about self-care box and maybe this is something that could work for you. I actually use an old(ish) bag for me, it has a journal that I often write quotes that I like or can relate to or just write in it whatever is in my head. It does also have many other things in it too.

I no for a fact that I do tend to ramble in my blog posts and that this is a rather short one but I just wanted to say

1) I am so proud of you.

2) That no matter how dark and far away from the light you feel you are it is out there, even the tiniest pin prick of light is there. You just got to follow it and believe that you can get there.

I no that you may have demons that you are fighting and I myself have many demons that I constantly fighting. In fact there is not a second that I’m not fighting them, but I do believe we can beat them with the help from family and friends.

“You just gotta BELIEVE in yourself”

Lisa M Dodds

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