Category Archives: mind f****d

End of another day…

Posted in abyss, ahh, alone, always here, always hope, always light, Anna, anorexia, battles, be proud, Bio parents, blackness, borederline personality disorder, bpd, bulimia, challenges, child, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, daughter, daughters, death, death failure, deep scars, Detachment, Diagnosis, dont have to be skinny to be anorexia, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, Emotions, exhaustion, feelings, fighting, focus on yourself, for you, fortijuice, fortisips, Hate myself, hating, hell, help, help is there, help me, honesty, ideas, insanity, inside of me, inspiration, internal fight, let down, light at end of tunnel, loved ones, making time, mental health, mental scars, mind f****d, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, not alone, operations, opinion, people, physc unit., physciatric unit, physcological mayhem, Physically tired, pondering, protein drinks, punishing yourself, punishment, rise above, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, shameful, stigma, story, stress, stressful day, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, take me, talk to, tired, to be contd., Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness, voices, why, wonder by

As the end of another days draws to an end I’m here again sat pondering and wondering what lies ahead for me. my future might be uncertain right now but I still have the inklings of hope that I can get better. NO not can get better BUT will get better…

I no for a fact that the roads ahead are lined with pits and dips but also are filled with happiness and hope and light. This path that I am starting on soon (I hope anyways) is going to be tough and lots of hard work but I cannot stay in this vicious continuous cycle or treadmill of being ok and then trying to commit suicide. It is not fair to only myself but to my family and friends and this last attempt has given me the kick up the arse to actually do something about it. To do something to break the cycle of break downs.

The amount of damage I have done internally to my body (mainly my oesophagus) is terrible. I have the scars on hips and wrists and stomach, I have had to go for monthly oesophagus dilation operations to stretch my throat so I can actually maybe one day eat solid food. Since April 10th 2017 I haven’t been able to eat a single solid piece of food due to yet another attempt at taking my life. and since then I have survived on fortisips (protein drinks) to give me all my calories and keep me going. luckily now I can actually swallow smooth soup and custard, I can’t swallow anything with bits in it or eat biscuits. But maybe one day I hopefully will be able to dunk that ginger biscuit in a cup of coffee.

Here’s to wondering and pondering the next and very near (hopefully) future…

To be cont.d…

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Rumours… cut deep…

Posted in bipolar, crying, cut deep, mental health, mind f****d, rise above, rumours, screaming by

I’ve been getting writers block last few days and today I’ve just sat outside and ideas came flying into my head. But in was just sat there and suddenly the realisation that we’ve been here six years now and we are still like outsiders to all the locals. Was watching next door who has been here less then two years or possibly just over I don’t know. But she is so into all the local cliche, they all go out for dinner together. go round each other’s houses and have cups of tea. lahdidah stuff really lol.

But I think that it gets to me because they come in and act all concerned and hi how are you? when all they really want is something to be able to gossip about. make up shitty rumours which they don’t realise do actually have a bad effect. and when they come in all concerned asking about some rumour I have to act all fine and joke about it when it’s actually killing me inside, and I just want to cry.

it’s a time like now even writing about it a wave of sadness has fallen upon me and all I want to do is cry and scream. I get told to rise above it, don’t let it get to you and oh it’s just rumours. I know all this, but when all I’ve ever done is to rise above it and when I’m currently at my lowest energy to fight anything again is when it’s really stings because I no that it’s all from people that acted all concerned about me when I was in the physc ward. when all I think they were actually doing is yes helping and being concerned, but now I’m back it’s like their ashamed to even ask anything more then how are you.

But hey “rise above it eh….”

I tried and I can’t. I’ve fought so many demons and these rumours are twisting around in my head. Doesn’t help that my mental health automatically shuts everything down and goes into over mode….

enough already, emotions stay inside. keep hardened face on. show no emotions on outside. keep mask on. I say all these to myself all the time.