Category Archives: daughters

Mothers day

Posted in adopted, adopted mum, adoption, be proud, challenges, child, daughter, daughters, Emotions, feelings, for you, inspiration, love, loved ones, making time, mother, mothering sunday, mothers day, mum, my life, my story, New day, not alone, physc unit., physciatric unit, story, strength, Uncategorized by

As Mothers Day draws nearer well tomorrow is Mothering Sunday, I look at photos of my daughters and think how proud of them I am. When I was pregnant with my eldest daughter I could not even begin to think of the amount of overwhelming love and the amount of emotions I would have when I first met her. I spent my whole pregnancy not realizing the effect of being in charge of a small person. Being in charge of another human being let alone a small baby.

Fast forward ten years and now I have three daughter 5,9 and 10 years old, and every day I can honestly say how proud I am to call myself their mum. I can look at them and say to myself “We created them, we are their mum and dad”. Because no matter how hard a time I am going through I no if I could move the world for them then I would. No matter how much they squabble or are horrid to each other or me, my undying love for them will never end.

And then I think to my own mother… I think about all the pain and suffering growing up I put her through and how she has never stopped loving me. I learnt so much rom my mother and I will never be able to thank her enough for the love and understanding and support she has given to myself and my big sister.

My mother is an amazing woman, loved by all our family, by all her friends. Without her I wouldn’t be the person I am today. It doesn’t matter that she is not my biological mother she my adopted mother. But as far as I am concerned she is and will always be my Mum, the person I can turn to for advice about anything. The person who is still looking after me aged 29, she has my back and is helping me through this difficult time I am going through right now. In fact both my parents are, their there for both myself and my husband and their grand-daughters.

So as tomorrow draws nearer I am thankful for being a mother and a daughter. I am super thankful for my mother and how amazing she is.

So to all the mothers out there in this massive world it doesn’t matter what type of mother you are or if there is more then one mother involved. Your all super precious and are doing a bloody good job.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO YOU ALL… XXX

End of another day…

Posted in abyss, ahh, alone, always here, always hope, always light, Anna, anorexia, battles, be proud, Bio parents, blackness, borederline personality disorder, bpd, bulimia, challenges, child, clutches, clutches of darkness, confusion, cut deep, dark abyss, dark world, darkness, daughter, daughters, death, death failure, deep scars, Detachment, Diagnosis, dont have to be skinny to be anorexia, drained, dying, eating disorder, eating disorders, ednos, Emotions, exhaustion, feelings, fighting, focus on yourself, for you, fortijuice, fortisips, Hate myself, hating, hell, help, help is there, help me, honesty, ideas, insanity, inside of me, inspiration, internal fight, let down, light at end of tunnel, loved ones, making time, mental health, mental scars, mind f****d, needing help, night, nightmares, no energy, not alone, operations, opinion, people, physc unit., physciatric unit, physcological mayhem, Physically tired, pondering, protein drinks, punishing yourself, punishment, rise above, sadness, screaming, seeing people, self loathing, shameful, stigma, story, stress, stressful day, stuck, stuck within me, suicidal, suicide, take me, talk to, tired, to be contd., Uncategorized, Valleys of darkness, voices, why, wonder by

As the end of another days draws to an end I’m here again sat pondering and wondering what lies ahead for me. my future might be uncertain right now but I still have the inklings of hope that I can get better. NO not can get better BUT will get better…

I no for a fact that the roads ahead are lined with pits and dips but also are filled with happiness and hope and light. This path that I am starting on soon (I hope anyways) is going to be tough and lots of hard work but I cannot stay in this vicious continuous cycle or treadmill of being ok and then trying to commit suicide. It is not fair to only myself but to my family and friends and this last attempt has given me the kick up the arse to actually do something about it. To do something to break the cycle of break downs.

The amount of damage I have done internally to my body (mainly my oesophagus) is terrible. I have the scars on hips and wrists and stomach, I have had to go for monthly oesophagus dilation operations to stretch my throat so I can actually maybe one day eat solid food. Since April 10th 2017 I haven’t been able to eat a single solid piece of food due to yet another attempt at taking my life. and since then I have survived on fortisips (protein drinks) to give me all my calories and keep me going. luckily now I can actually swallow smooth soup and custard, I can’t swallow anything with bits in it or eat biscuits. But maybe one day I hopefully will be able to dunk that ginger biscuit in a cup of coffee.

Here’s to wondering and pondering the next and very near (hopefully) future…

To be cont.d…

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To my child(ren)

Posted in always here, child, daughter, daughters, feelings, Innocent child, Letter of love, love, never ending love by

You are my life, my all. We once had our hearts beat in the same body. We shared ecerything, the nine months that I carried your precious growing body. You became my living soul. Every time you kicked or moved my heart would skip a beat landing love for you increased more each time. From the very moment of being able to feel you, the butterfly feelings that I would get when you hiccuped amazed me at how I could carry a precious baby. When I gave birth to you my heart felt like it was going to burst open. To be able to feel more love for you astounded me I didn’t think I could love anymore. Now each day you are growing more and more independent. When your in pain I feel it, when your happy I feel it.

You my child my daughter(s) are my life and my soul.

Never ending of true innocent love.